I recently told one of my roommates to stop me before I got involved in another relationship. "Remind me that I don't need this right now." After all I have kids, I have to finish college, and I just need to focus on getting my life together right now, right?
But then again I think to myself, "I'm 26." I'm at the tail end of being young--No offence to the over-30s--not being "young" doesn't make you "old." It just makes you "not young." And my point is I'm pretty much there myself! But here's the thing, I have only been intimate with two people in my life, the second relationship spanning maybe 6 months at best--so really it might as well be reduced to one!
But here's the other thing, I am a very very special person. And if you went ahead right now and made that joke about how I ride the short bus because I'm so special, you wouldn't be too far off from my point here: My options are pretty limited. I am a bigender transsexual who is also a heteroromantic demisexual.
It's a mouthful, I know, and up until now I would have said just throw all you're damn labels out the fucking window, but the simple version of it goes this way: Looking at myself honestly, I know its going to take some doing to find someone who is going to appreciate me. This is going to take some time, so I really need to start looking now, and I need to...
But you see this is how my mind works lately, because now I'm going to come at you with yet another "Then again..." You see, I am just so jaded when it comes to relationships its not even funny. The two relationships that I have had, both ended in disaster--one unbelievable, mega-enormous disaster!
I tell most of the people I'm close to that my life lately is like one of those transsexual-themed soap operas. You know--the ones that haven't been invented yet?
I mean, I believe I already blogged once about how when I spoke to my ex-wife about transitioning, she said she would be OK and stay with me--only to start sleeping around and tell me I need to move on and find someone else when I was only about four months into hormone replacement. That's a pretty standard transsexual break-up/divorce story though. It's a sad story, for sure, but it happens all the time. The more trans people I talk to, the more I hear it. Definitely soap opera worthy, in my opinion, though!
But you don't usually hear the story where the trans heroine does move on, and although things are rough and she has to work a few months as a stripper/prostitute just to get by and provide money for her children, she is happier because she at least feels normal in her own skin. And despite her first real experiences as a girl with men being them grabbing at her, stuffing dollar bills down her bra, giving lap dances, while a drunk guy tries to catch her off guard and stuff his tongue down her throat, she does find someone who calms her from that daily nightmare. You don't hear where she is first-hand witness to the objectification, and the purchased sex, and the assholes men can be, but how she despite this, does move on to a new relationship too, and begins dating a gorgeous guy, who, like her, has a past and some issues, but they round out each other in a special way.
And what you never hear--what never ever happens--is how when that new boyfriend meets the ex-wife--because when there are kids involved it inevitably will happen--our t-girl's ex-wife tells him her sob story about how her husband transitioned on her, playing the "damsel in more distress." You won't hear how he falls in love with his trans girlfriend's "distressed" ex-wife, and they move into a new apartment together across the state... but... also graciously invite our trans heroine to live and start a new life with them. You won't hear that anywhere, but from me.
Relationship-wise, its messy, it hurt very very badly, and it nearly destroyed me. After all the work I've put into being a better version of myself, it nearly destroyed all of that. But you know what they say about what doesn't kill you. This is blog entry is basically a testament to the fact that no-one can say I'm not strong, and at this point, no one can say that I'm selfish. Can they? Find me anyone that will put all of this shit that has happened aside and say "I want my ex-wife to be happy, I want this man that has dealt with so much in his life to be happy, I want my children to be happy. Sure we can still be friends. Sure I'll give whatever I have to make this work."
Like I said, relationship-wise, I'm jaded. But I want to believe there is someone out there for me. I want to believe there's someone out there that will be happy to have me.
Everything-else-considered-wise, I have two friends who really wouldn't be my friends if I were any other person, I am sure, but they are. That's because they do care about me, they do... They just happened to to both fall in love after being in a relationship with me. While doing that they pulled me out of a messy situation, and I have a family again. I can get past the rest. I'm happy. Except I want love. I want someone to cuddle with. Despite all that I have on my plate right now... I think I have to again take up the search for it.
