A lot has happened in the past year. In fact its gone by so fast I am scrambling to figure out just what exactly DID happen, and how on Earth so much time has passed without me really noticing. Have I been awake this entire time? Have I just been vaguely wandering through my own life as if it were a dream? Or a nightmare?
A year ago I had a goal of writing a post a month and eventually writing a book--hell, I had other people telling me I should write a book--yet I haven't posted a thing in nearly half a year. And it has now been nearly a year since I posted my last YouTube video.
"I enjoy your videos. I'm also a jehovahs witness. I'm trying to get
out. Family is heavy into it specially my mom. We have similar stories.
My email is [omitted--obviously!]. Your videos... first came up when typed in JW. Thank you for your videos again."
I opened up my "JW T-girl" inbox today and was incredibly surprised to find this little note in it. A hand reaching out. I haven't received one like it in some time, and I really miss it. Its really added to the thoughts I've been dwelling on lately, which I will elaborate on soon enough...
Nearly two years ago, after years and years of contemplating and finally coming to terms with the fact that I was transgender, I finally decided I needed to go through with hormone replacement and change my sex to match my gender identity. I had an orchiectomy seven months into HRT, and my name and gender was officially and legally changed last April--a year ago. I am one year old--no really, sometimes I really feel like I am one year old! And it helps to remind myself of that--helps me put things in perspective--again, I'll explain soon...
Three years ago I decided I was going to stop being so horribly
unhealthy--being about 210 pounds at only 5' 5"--I was grotesque. And I knew from research that if I was ever going to go through with a sex change, I would have to loose weight first. And so I very slowly began to
change my diet. I started by just having a smoothie for breakfast every
morning. Then, I began eating less meat and more vegetables. And by the time I started hormone replacement I was exercising daily. And two years after I first started, I had dropped a total 60 pounds--a huge accomplishment for me. And I decided I would continue my health kick and try to get toned.
That was nearly a year ago. I laugh to myself, wondering what exactly happened...
Actually I wish that were the case. I know what happened--at some point I lost it. Not that I put on 60 more pounds, or even 20 or 10. And its not that I have had to stop my hormone regimen. And obviously I haven't given up on this blog or my YouTube account, or else I wouldn't be sitting here mashing the buttons on this keyboard, trying to fill the internet with more random, mostly inert, thoughts. But something has changed, and its not really for the better.
For one thing, I have put on a little weight, a few pounds, maybe five at most. Nothing big really. But for someone who vowed they would never be 210 pounds again, and considering most of the weight has been put on in the past few months, its a colossal step in the wrong direction.
I'm going to go ahead and blame my boyfriend a little more than myself for that one--you know--he coaxes me by saying he likes having more to grab. And hell, I don't mind being grabbed, not one bit! But I'm beginning to not feel well again, and that was another major motivation for me losing weight in the first place. I'm just not eating well. And I can't really blame that on my boyfriend, although his words have soothed my previously-quite-judicial eating habits. No, its a mixture of work, kids, living situation, having no time, and just making exception after exception because of these excuses. I'll go into these in a teensie bit greater detail in later posts, but to keep this one on the not-too-excessively-lengthy side, lets just say I deal with a lot and I've used it as an diet-degrading enabler.
Another thing that has happened is my hormones have gone HAYWIRE! I had to come off of some of the medication for a bit, chiefly spironolactone. And this caused massive depression, aggression, hair regrowth EVERYWHERE, shedding, and skin irritation, hot flashes and *gasp* boob shrinkage! It has made me have anxiety attacks and has even made me feel suicidal--which I have not felt since before transitioning.
I am exaggerating a bit with the physical effects, perhaps, but in my transition timeline, I would say it put me about 4 months back, as in I look like I used to 4 months ago--but slightly fatter. It doesn't sound all that bad saying it like that, but I don't think I can properly explain how unnerving it is to feel accomplished, and that you are moving away from a crappy part of your life, and then suddenly feeling like your going backward with no way to stop it.
My doctor has put me back on the spironolactone now and I have noticed some improvement. But the experience, in addition to all the other things I'm dealing with--which, as stated, is for another post on another not-too-distant day--has left me somewhat unnerved. I feel like I'm not quite sure where to go from here and I think I truthfully spend an inordinate amount of time feeling sorry for myself and wanting to be alone. Laura, goddamnit, stop pitying yourself and pull it back together!
My wonderful, very patient boyfriend says he thinks I'm just getting bogged down with all I need to do and just choose to retreat. That I basically just need choose to do something and do it, so I can feel accomplished and get things moving again. And I know he's right. I need to take the first step.
The first step last time was coming out and expressing myself... here goes nothing... just click "publish"...
