I couldn't sleep--mostly because I'm worrying about my kids, who I haven't been able to talk to in almost a month now (wish I could say more, but legally I probably shouldn't)--So, of course, I did what anyone else would do when they're fighting sleep: I pulled out my laptop and began skimming through my recommendations on YouTube... OK maybe that's just what I tend to do...
Anyway, not far down the list was a transition video. There was actually a couple of them probably in the list, but this one caught my attention for some reason. I'm not sure if it was because my last boyfriend was in the military and the thumbnail sported a military officer of some sort, or if it was just a random thing, but nevertheless, it drew me in.
The first thing I noticed about this video is apparently what everyone else in the comments section notices too: This beautiful lady, going by Loren Dovahkiin on YouTube, makes it a point to show her family in the video--her marriage to her wife, as well as her son--specifically noting and showing through the slide show that these things occurred before her transition, and were part of her attempt at living the normal male life she thought she must.
However, later in the video she explains that when she began transitioning, her wife left her, and her son disowned her. Very very sad, to say the least.
My first reaction, however, is very different from many of the commenters. My first thought was that I wanted to contact her and find out how she is coping with such loss. She seems very happy, post-transition, in the video--and I'm sure she is finally at peace inside--but I am one of the few that understand that she didn't choose this. She didn't decide to transition over having a life with her family. Yet, so many of the comments are people saying that she shouldn't have transitioned when she did, or that she shouldn't have had a family and then transitioned, and that they feel bad for the people that abandoned her.
This is particularly amazing because she says, right in the video, that she only discovered that gender dysphoria was a treatable thing AFTER she attempted suicide, which is often the case.
The key word here is treatable... as well as the medical terminology for the condition--gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is a very real medical problem that needs treatment. Why? Because it can and usually does ultimately lead to untreatable and insatiable thoughts of and eventual attempts at suicide.
The best comparison I can make is to say that it's a bit like alzheimer's: It is a medical issue with psychological symptoms. Like alzheimer's, it is diagnosed through psychological testing, but treated medically. With gender dysphoria, the hormonal mismatch between the body and the brain causes severe trauma which manifests as horrible depression and eventual thoughts of suicide. It is really very serious.
But, there is a certain commenter on the YouTube video who pointedly asks, "Family comes first right?"
I agree with him. Family does come first. And the thing that he and most other people who claim to be "tolerant" or "supportive" of trans people don't understand (heck, I've even heard other--usually younger--trans people make those same remarks) is that transitioning is not really a choice once gender dysphoria becomes that overwhelming.
The perceived "choice" is really just the same as asking, "Do I treat my alzheimer's or remain a father?" Nobody asks that question because its absurd. Treating something serious like that is choosing to remain a parent, because it is extending you're life and your mental health. Nobody is choosing to treat their gender dysphoria instead of remaining a spouse/parent, we treat it so we can remain a parent, and be better ones--instead of being so internally mismatched and conflicted we can't think of much else than letting go.
I knew someone that had colon cancer. And even though it was treated, it changed his life. They had to remove his colon and he had to wear a bag at his gut for the rest of his life. Can you imagine how difficult that must have been for his family? A once strong and capable 40 year-old male--a successful local construction contractor--transforming before their eyes into a thin, sickly and shriveled man who can't even use the bathroom on his own? Not at all trying to be insensitive to it, but I can guarantee sex also wasn't a big option much after that. Do you think his wife left him because of it? Do you think his son disowned him for it? Of course not.
Why is it OK to do it to someone suffering from gender dysphoria, then?
It's not. It's just as despicable leaving your spouse for any other medical problem they have. Some people may leave because they are too overwhelmed by it all. That's understandable, but it should be taken simply as that--you should stay, but you can't--and it definitely should not include splitting up parent and child.
As for the child, of course he can be mad that life has handed him and his father this. He can even be mad at his father, even though its really not her fault. But he should have a mother and the rest of society helping him through these feelings, instead of encouraging him to never speak to his father again.
One last thing I want to say to drive this point home is what I have been told by many friends and family members. They tell me, "Its wonderful, you have sacrificed so much, but you are living your dream now." They mean well, but it shows that they truly don't understand at all. My ex wife--who doesn't mean well at all--tells me, referring to the fact that I'd like to have joint custody of my kids, "You got what you always wanted. You can't have everything."
Let's get this straight. Being a woman is not something I always wanted. It's what I always was. I simply received medical treatment to keep me, as a woman, sane as well as compatible with societal expectations. As a woman, it is not my dream to be mentally healthy and be accepted as a woman and live as a woman. As a woman and as a person, it is a need and a right to have all of those things. I guarantee you, my dreams are much more elaborate. And they still haven't changed, despite all the hardship I've had trying to attain them. I am woman because that is what I am, not because I chased a dream and sacrificed my family to do it.
No. My dream is still to finish college, become an engineer, maybe get a chance to work for Tesla Motors, and design things that can have a real positive impact on our dying environment. That's my dream. And that one I have had to sacrifice and put on the back-burner, change my major to something I can complete online, all for the sake of my kids who needed someone at home more--until they were suddenly and unexpectedly whisked across the state by my ex-wife.
But no, my dream wasn't to become a woman. Don't insult my ambition! And don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly proud to be a woman, but that's just what I am. That's what Loren Dovahkiin is. And nobody tells any other woman, whether she is going though menopause or has PCOS or has some other issue, that they shouldn't treat it because it might be hard on their partner or their kids (and those issues aren't even life threatening). Nobody tells them they're being selfish for attempting to get treatment, or insinuates that taking birth control is the fulfillment of some lifelong dream for them, so they should be content with it. No, that only happens to trans women, and especially trans moms.
Yes, I'm back--at least for now on my blog. I have a lot going on still, but writing can be very therapeutic. I'm hoping to get some new things up in the coming weeks. Until then, thank you all for your continued support. Love you all.
UPDATE: Since this is a popular post I'm going to update and say that though tensions were high during our divorce, the other mom and I resolved much of this tension are very close friends, and this blog stands only as an example for how difficult things may become as we and any family we have go through the struggle of medical transitioning. The most important thing to remember is to never let your children forget they are loved and keep them focused on that and learning as they grow slowly and successfully into adults.
PART II: Revisited