Relationship Month: To Elaborate On Trans Dating...

From November of last year until June of this year, I was in a very happy relationship. Or, I thought I was. It felt real. I thought we were in love.

We shared such a magical Christmas and New Year together. I'll never forget that winter. It was my first Christmas ever, and he made it a special one, full of love, fun, and passionate embraces in the twinkling lights and romantic Christmas songs.

That was my most memorable experience with him, but there were many. And, all in all, the relationship seemed right. We talked all the time and wanted to be together as much as possible, despite our very busy schedules. He seemed to genuinely care about me, and I cared about him. Also, sex was good--really good actually. And more than anything, we simply just enjoyed each other's company.

Unfortunately, he had to go away for three months on an internship. But before he left he expressed his love for me, and so did I for him. And we decided we wanted to keep the relationship going while he was gone. We talked on the phone almost every night he was gone. We kept the relationship going the whole time, even though there were times it was tough wanting to be close, but not being able to.

But just a few weeks after he came back from his long trip, it all ended. I suppose you might say it was mutual; For a  week or so I had noticed he seemed distant, and the relationship seemed to be going nowhere. He didn't seem to want to do anything, and he wasn't as eager to spend time together any more. Especially just having come back--after missing each other for so long--it just felt wrong. I felt neglected and kind of hurt. So, I confronted him about it. He said he just felt weird, and unhappy with his personal situation--having just finished school and not having a real career yet--and he said he just wanted to be alone for a little while.

To me that was no big deal. I'm still in the middle of transitioning, and I am currently working on my bachelors degree myself. To  me, loving a person means helping each other through periods like this.

But when I asked him if he still felt he loved me. He said, "I don't know."

You don't know? You don't now?!! If you don't know, who does? I waited for you to come home, talked to you daily on the phone to keep things going, and held on for an entire three months, just for you to come home and tell me you "don't know"? Uuurgh.

I don't know if he was afraid to officially call it off and hurt my feelings, but even after admitting he "don't know," he still wouldn't just call it off. After hanging up on him to cry my eyes out, I still had to call him back, play 20 questions, and ultimately do the dirty work myself.

Perhaps this is a sign that you've grown to full womanhood: When guys are too afraid to break up with you themselves, and so you have to do it for them. I have a girl friend that tells me this is pretty common, actually.

And I still have a sneaking suspicion  he was sleeping around while on his internship. I don't know--ugh. Why is honesty and integrity so difficult? Huh?

Anyway, I know that was a lengthy introduction. But it was in the wake of this, after the heartache had mostly subsided, that I decided this month would be my relationship month. Perhaps last week's blog title will make a little more sense to you now.

So, of course, this wasn't my first rodeo; I've had quite a few relationships since transitioning, varying in length. And so I figured, perhaps now I'm qualified to speak on the subject on behalf of the trans girl community. So I made a video about it. If you haven't had the opportunity to see it yet:

We're all different, and perhaps I can't speak for the community after all, but I wanted to try. For those girls who may have disagreed with what I said here, or may have preferred I take a more serious attitude in the video, instead of a smiling,  half-flirtatious one, I just want to say I took that approach simply because you win more "with honey than vinegar." My original notes for this video were quite negative and dark--probably because of the whole situation I just went through. It was originally going to be a video that focused on denouncing chasers and what men should not do. And I feel like I still made sure to capture those things as well, but I also realized I was going to put much more of the non-chaser variety at ease by not being as much of a bitch as I felt like being in the wake of my last relationship.

And in the end, my last boyfriend WAS a chaser, albeit a very thoughtful one. And although sometimes I felt he would get preoccupied with "little miss masculine" during sex, most of the time he was very attentive to what I wanted, he was very romantic and caring, and I was very happy to have him. And no, I don't think he left me because he was moving on from the "trans" phase of his life. I honestly think he's just a big child, who just isn't ready for a committed relationship, whether I had been cis or trans.

I didn't have enough time to say everything I wanted to in the video, but I wanted to make it short and accessible to people who may be thinking about pursuing a relationship.  So here are a few things I'd like to add.

First, in tip number one, I say that being attracted to trans women doesn't make you any less of a man. The one thing I want to say about this is that I have heard many trans women  say that "it doesn't make you gay" and then imply that being gay makes you less of a man. In some people's minds, especially straight men, that may be the case.

I wanted to make sure I addressed this issue, while still making sure I'm not adding to the disparity. So I specifically said "it ALSO does not make you gay." I have male family members that are gay. I don't view them any less as men because of their sexual orientation. But I've heard so many of my gay friends and family called girls,  or being told they are not real men, and its not funny at all. This is the real issue. We as trans women may want to be desired for our femininity, so we'll say no to an insecure gay man who just is attracted to whatever few male characteristics we may still possess. But this does not mean we get to demasculinize gay men in the same breath. We're all people here. Like I said, I've seen and heard many trans women do this, probably without really thinking--and I understand why--but after trying to conquer this point myself, I thought I should bring out that we should be a little more careful when explaining this. Gay men also are not any less men for liking men, any more than we are gay men for being born with male equipment, nor are any men who like us for being trans.

Its all in the same vein. We are the first ones to say that sexual orientation has nothing to do with gender identity or gender expression. Lets make sure this works both ways.

Secondly--perhaps a tip number ten--is something brought out in by this wonderful lady:

I didn't see this video until after I made mine. She makes some very good points. And despite our different views on some parts of dating, I agree with much of what she says, especially what she says about leagues.

Don't get me wrong, I do think guys can and do get with women that are "out of their league" in certain areas (and vice versa), but they often make up for it in other ways. A guy that may be a little overweight, for example, may actually try to be pretty health conscious and may have an amazing sense of humor and personality. But don't expect a girl to give you a load of extra points for liking her in spite of the fact she's trans.

I do think being able to accept someone for who they are inside is admirable, but really, if you think about it, all that it means is that you're not an asshole--it doesn't say much more than that. It's a great first step, but it doesn't give you license to expect a relationship with with us. We want to find someone we love and can be happy with. Things like having a good personality, having things in common, and being attracted are as important to us as any other women.

Again, don't get me wrong, I don't just blow anyone off without knowing them, but--like any free-thinking person--I will refuse a relationship with certain people, even if they do accept me for being trans. If you don't have a good job and career, and don't have any interest in getting one, don't wonder why I don't want to be with you. Most trans women have no desire to be a sugar momma. If you're really overweight and not trying to be healthy at all, don't fool yourself--being health conscious is really important to me.  I lost 60 pounds over it. And finally, if you can't hold a conversation with a trans woman using barely more vocabulary than the words  "beautiful", "sexy", and "gorgeous", then don't expect one to fall for you. We do have standards, and we do have preferences. That's just life.

I don't mean to be a bitch, but really, you wouldn't believe how many slime-balls and unhappy people seem to expect me to improve their quality of life by getting with them. A few things to those people: (1) That's not going to improve things for you, I guarantee it. (2) If you're an unhappy or insecure person, work on yourself. Fix what's making you unhappy. No one is going to want to be with a broken person. And if you do find someone, they are just as broken, and your relationship will be just as broken. Work on yourself first. (3) I do have standards. (4) Don't worry about it anyways--I'm not looking anymore. But remember what I'm saying before messing with my sisters.

Back to a lighter note, next week I hope to upload a little video on pre-op/non-op sex. Of course this will make me a target for the lewd tranny chasers, but I also know there is hope that some decent person will see it and it could help open their minds. I'm still not sure. But at the very least there will be another video or blog entry next week. And hopefully a total of two more before the end of July. So stay tuned for more relationship month, my lovelies.