I walked into the supermarket and quickly made my way towards the deli. Then I suddenly looked around, turned around, and walked out--because I realized I had actually meant to go to the vape shop.
My front door: it is constantly unlocked from night to night. My apartment: free reign for any psychopath rapist murderer headline.
A judgement call?
No. I just forget.
Every night.
I only have just enough wits about me to notice that I did it again when I come home.
And did that last conversation we had happen yesterday? Or was it a month ago? You know--the one where I apologized for going emotional and word-crazy and promised it'd get better? I just vaguely remembered it happened at all, only just now--so sorry.
There are memories that come and go, and I can't really seem to hold onto who I am from moment to moment. There's too much spinning through my head. I can't focus on anything. Every part of my life suddenly seems smushed together like a circus of supposedly legitimate ways to handle things. I cry like a goddamn two-year-old, and then... well... Am I that self-gratifying uncaring person that knocked on doors and toyed with people's feelings as a coping strategy?--No. No. No wait, No.--I care. In fact. I am the Laurax. I speak for the trannies...
No that's not right either. Fuck. Damn somebody help me. Somebody smack me or something. I don't know...
My kids. There we go. That's the whole reason I tried to make this all work anyways. They are my center. But Christ, I'm actually glad they are with the other parent right now and don't see me like this.
Ok my lab tests came in. I'm pretty sure I'm low.
My testosterone level is 40 now, so that... Oh you know what?
I need to do the dishes.
And now that makes me remember Thanksgiving with my ex girlfriend for some reason. And yes that's a reason to cry like a two-year-old again--at least in my brain--the one going through major withdrawals right now.
Oh yeah--my lab results. I'm three hundred percent lower than what I was three months ago. My estrogen levels that is. Testosterone? That's almost tripled now. Friggin wonderful.
*Heart*
*Smiley face*
*Everything's O.K.*
*No it's not*
Before this my estrogen levels were about pregnancy level.
They've dropped. Big time. And its noti-fuck-icable. I've got postpartum depression or menopause or some other godawful hormonal shit-show that makes grown men tremble.
The doctors don't really care. It's hard to find people that understand a healthy-looking 20-some-year-old having these types of issues. So let me cry to my girlfriend again for help like I didn't do it yesterday. Oh fuck, yesterday she said we were done! Why? Fuck. Stop sending her shit you stupid, stupid bitch!... And now let me destroy every connection and friendship I have because I have no idea who to trust and I am hyperventilating in my anxiety and paranoia, and I can actually feel it as my sanity starts slipping away each time I stress and feel alone.
You women with fully working reproductive systems are pretty lucky. If your hormone levels are out of wack because of actual pregnancy, there will always be people who want to bend over backwards for you to show understanding. And then, you only have to go through menopause one time, in the winding-down part of your life, when you typically have grown children and other people that have known you a long time and love you unconditionally--and it's just once. For me--hopefully this is my last time--every time I have to go through a major hormonal change like this, nobody wants to understand, and it ruins things for me. Every time. It gets better in a few months as my body adjusts, but not before turning me into an unstable nut and wreaking its havoc on my personal life.
But I must. at least, be on the upswing, because at least I was able to write this in some sort of coherent fashion on some planet somewhere. Every day I feel a little bit more like a real alive person again.
I think I'll eat something with no meat in it, and no vegan to it either. They all give me a stomach ache right now. And I'll swallow these sertraline tablets and little bits of myself until I feel well enough again.
I wrote this a few days back, right after I was prescribed medication, on the short-term, for severe depression and anxiety. I decided now I should post it to show how greatly the hormonal changes people undergo, especially trans people in transition, can effect them. Shortly after my endocrinologist began dropping my estrogen dosage 3 months ago--as it had been very high, pregnancy levels, before--I began experiencing postpartum-like symptoms, including lactation, weight-loss, restlessness and insomnia and then severe depression. Instead of having support or understanding going through this situation, even from doctors or other trans persons, what the full extent of the issues were caught me completely off-guard, as well as those around me. Then on top of that, life went on, and I had to deal with some serious issues that required me to be stronger than I was prepared for at the moment. So, if you know a trans woman, try to remember that any instability during these types of changes is temporary--and it is just made worse with added stress--but it can be ironed out with the right type of help and support. Sometimes they just need a shoulder. I was lucky to have a few in far away places, and decent health insurance.
