In the past few weeks, a ton has happened. I don't think I have the patience or time to go back through it all. Suffice it to say that the past few weeks have been wrought with emotion--sadness, fear, love, anger--the whole hormotional hodgepodge. There has been an overwhelming number of issues to resolve, events to plan, and self-involved riddles to unravel. And then, of course, I am a full time mommy on top of it all--a fun job with plenty of rewards and plenty of migraines. With all these other things, returning to college in the middle of my transition was a piece of cake.
Not.
Its really strange to go someplace where everyone has always known you as a man, even if you are still trying to perpetuate that myth for them. You see, lately I feel like Superwoman--and I'll get to that in my next post I think--but I am Clark Kent at school (again, just to remind you, yes I am a nerd). I have family that works at the college, in the past I have been invited for special academic privileges and competitions at the college, and a lot of people know me there. And since this area I call home is pretty darn conservative, I had decided to finish out my last term of my AA degree in my "Clark Kent" disguise: as a man.
The problem is that I have gone through a load of changes. If you haven't seen my transition video yet--I believe it was in my second post--go ahead and have a look-see if you want; I'm not in the linking mood right now. :p Anyways, my changes in the past five months on HRT have been pretty drastic. Plus I've lost a lot of weight. Plus I've come a long way with my voice and my mannerisms--how I present myself--and I refuse to try and go back. So, in short, I'm getting a ton of looks and comments lately that make me want to just crawl into a hole and hide. Why? Because I feel like I don't pass as a man anymore. Which is, for lack of a better term, a huge brain-fuck, because that's not even what I want.
Let me try to explain a little better...
I've mostly gotten over my whole "Do I pass as a woman? OMG I'm so scared!" phase. I've been super excited and positive with everything going on in my life, and I know now I don't have any problems passing. I really am a mended soul. That college however, just brought me right back to that "Do I pass?" phase. Only now its from the opposite side, as if I were a trans man that is concerned and nervous about passing as a guy--only for me, I'm not trying to pass because I want to, its like I'm anxiously trying to push myself back into a cage because I'm nervous that others will discover that I'm out. And even just for four months, that's too much for me to deal with alongside the vast amounts of study and homework required in the engineering discipline, and alongside my responsibilities at home, taking care of my kids--as I can't really afford a babysitter to watch them as much as I need.
And with all the things that are happening with family right now, which I really don't want to post all over the internet, I realize something has to give. Its not going to be my transition--it just can't be. Its time to just move on. So I am, with a heavy heart, withdrawing from my engineering classes at the college, and just remaining with my online accounting class. I'm going to go part time and finish my AA degree next term.
I was aware before I started that it might be impossible to move forward with such an intensive major while I having to watch my adorable, yet rambunctious, children--even before I decided to transition--and I was right. Its all just too much.
I don't know yet if I'm going to switch to a less intensive major, like accounting, or keep on going with engineering next term, but I do know I am already missing too many classes in the craziness, I am overwhelmed with stress because of finances, and I have to slow down on something.
As I said, I have to move on. My transition plans this term haven't changed; I'm going to legally change my name and gender. I'm going to continue with HRT and laser treatments on my facial hair. And in the mean time, I am going to look AVIDLY for a job--anywhere. And wherever I end up. I'll go finish college there. The goal for the next four months is just to prepare myself for the rest of my life: its beginning at the end of this term and the other will finally come to a close. Its too difficult to try and live both anymore.
