The other reason I quoted "The Hard Sell" at the beginning and in the title of the first post is because the song effected me quite personally. I am sure those of you that have read my other posts and watched my videos can understand this. I am at a juncture in my life. A ton is happening at once. I will be living as myself, Laura Engram, full time in a very short time--I am already mostly full-time aside from when know I am going someplace I will have to show ID--as soon as my name change goes through I will be completely full time. Over the next year I will be undergoing a few different surgeries. I have been on hormone replacement therapy for nearly seven months now. I have come out of one of the most mentally suppressive religions in the world, made peace with myself and my life, and then in the past year realized that meant finally being honest and coming out as transgendered to all of the people around me. And in the past month, I have come out to nearly all of my family, even those I haven't seen in some time. There are only a few left to come out to, and I will be coming out to them all by the end of this month.
Needless to say. All of this has brought a storm of upheaval, in countless different forms. It has also brought me much peace, friends, and happiness for which I am very thankful. Nonetheless, the storm continues its swells and the thundering is continuing its racket. "The Hard Sell" paints the perfect picture of my response to these people and their anger, their threats, their backstabbing, and their disapproval. I've lost many friends and family members in the fallout, and I expect there shall still be more. "One by one they drop." To this I simply look forward and say:
"Oh, this ticket window has closed
Save your money, baby
The next show's about to start..."
However, I figure I will finally take a moment to turn and address my assailants. "I am... sick of this world's misconceptions of things I did..."
First in this post, I will start with the Jehovah's Witnesses--my mother and my sister who have said they want nothing to do with me--even those that abandoned me long before I ever came out as transgendered, simply because I could not in good conscience remain in that religion, and could no longer bring myself to believe the way I once did.
I have already said much about these experiences. But to my mother and sister, as a final word if they ever wish to read this, it will be publicly available. And to my sister-in-law who first accepted me as her sister, clothed me, and spoke of always helping and looking out for me, only to return to the Jehovah's Witnesses months later and demonize me, denounce me, and demand that I with her own biological sister--my wife--leave her house because I had once been "one of Jehovah's Witnesses. [I] knew the rules. And now [I am] doing wrong things."
This is to all of those far-sighted Jehovah's Witnesses and fundamentalists that think that judging, rejecting, and abandoning other people will help them procure "everlasting life" for themselves. To them I echo:
"Now, why believe in anything they praise
When one hand holds them the victor
While the other holds the shovel to their graves."
These brief lines describe the sad state of the Jehovah's Witnesses. They think that judging other people as "worldly" or "apostate" or "evil" and that throwing them out will gain them some sort of salvation. But I have a few things to remind you of. Matthew 7:1-2. I won't bother quoting it. If you don't look it up you yourself could certainly be charged with believing your own sacred instrument, the Bible, will mislead you. But of course, who am I to judge? I am your enemy, right? And according to Romans 12:20-21, your supposed to kick your enemy when she is down, right? And Jesus was just kidding when he gave the golden rule, right? Ask yourself this on every other scripture you would use to disprove my point--according to your own doctrine, weren't laws of the Old Testament upstaged by Jesus' New Covenant and the words he spoke? And also, if you're turning to the back of your Bible for answers, why do Paul's words trump Jesus? If Jesus set out the golden rule and said "don't judge," why does what Paul says trump that in your doctrine. I thought Jesus was reigning king?
I know, you don't like me pointing out inconsistencies, and right now you are trying to trivialize them with Watchtower logic. Here is an intellectual exercise then:
Imagine it all comes to pass. Imagine God is as big of an asshole you all say he is. I know you don't have to imagine, but I do, so bear with me... You're loved ones that didn't make through Armegeddon, there will be some for each of you--you know there will. Will you miss them? No? Why not? Because "the former things will not be called to mind?" What? Really? So you won't even be able to recall that person. This person that was part of your life experiences and made you who you are--You won't even be able to remember them? And I suppose there are many other people and experiences from "the former things" that will be wiped out of your memory. Am I right?
Well then, that's a pretty big chunk of memories that are going to be gone. We are our experiences aren't we? I mean what about those hard lessons you learned from difficult times? Learning from your mistakes? You are going to loose all that experience too, right?
For one thing. I would be terribly afraid that I would fail that upcomming millennial test without my experience to fall back on. Then, more importantly, who are you after God removes these thoughts from your mind? With all those memories, and experiences wiped away, half your personality gone with it, you're no longer YOU. Are you? You're someone else then. Aren't you? The thoughts and memories, your past, the stuff that makes you YOU, is gone. YOU are dead. And your body? What happens to it? It is made new, correct? All imperfections are gone, correct?
So... new body... with no memories... new person in and out. Everlasting life, this thing you are reaching out for so badly... If it is true, you are going to die. But you will live long enough to watch your essence disintegrate into nothing. You see, according to the Jehovah's Witnesses, Jehovah doesn't want YOU, he wants his idea of perfection, in the body and in the mind. He doesn't want your body, he doesn't want your mind. He wants to scoop out a huge chunk of your brain with a disher and leave you a command following zombie (a sexy zombie with perfect features, but a zombie nonetheless). The Jehovah's Witness organization is just the prep room.
Indeed, why believe? In one hand, you believe you are achieving victory, while in the other, by all accounts, it seems you are digging your own graves.
In the words of James T. Kirk (yes, again, I am a nerd, I can't help it), "You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away! I need my pain!"
Angry Jehovah Will Destroy Doubters
Jehovah's Witnesses Rejoice!
So I say to all you Jehovah's Witnesses: "Before you know it, you're selling out to be in."